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Cats Don’t Do Pilates

February 6, 2011 by thelitterbox

It was my sister’s idea. I blame her.

 

Our family trip to Florida is just about 6 weeks away. Which means bathing suits are only six weeks away. Bikinis. One pieces. Tankinis. Whatever version… they are little more than glorified underwear made out of spandex. A glorious invention for the 6-ft buxom blonde, like Barbie. A cruel and unusual joke for most other women, myself included.

 

So my sister and I did what most other women do when faced with this challenge. We decided we needed to tone up. Work out. Firm the flabby parts. Or as my sister calls it… get rid of the baby junk. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a baby in the past year so my baby junk is more like… what? Burrito junk? Risotto junk? Chocolate chip cookie dough Steak N Shake milkshake junk? Um… yes?

 

Whatever you want to call it, it needs to go. Fast.

 

So we researched the nearby options. Buy a membership to a fitness club? No, too expensive. Take a community ed class? Drat, we missed the enrollment date (And not on purpose!). Workout on our own? Yeah, not gonna happen. Take free pilates classes from instructors in training? Hmmm…

 

There’s just one problem.

 

Cats don’t do pilates.

 

At least this Cat doesn’t.

 

Or didn’t.

 

Until Saturday.

 

At 9am.

 

In a little studio overlooking 7th street in Holland.

 

In case anyone wants to check it out for themselves. Or write them a piece of hate mail.

 

Just kidding… I think.

 

Before we could get started, we had to sign waivers releasing the studio and its instructors of any psychological or physiological damages.

 

Did they just say psychological?

 

I understand the physiological—changes in blood pressure and blood glucose levels (as if I know what those are)—that much makes sense. But what are they going to do to my head?

 

Two minutes later, the forms signed and submitted, I turned the corner and found out.

 

It was a torture device. That’s the only way to describe it. My sister thought so, too. And the instructor-in-training even acknowledged it.

 

Let the mind games begin.

 

For me, the hour was spent on a machine across the room (something called a reformer… but not the John Calvin variety), being instructed to push, straddle, mount, and engage. The details are too gory and personal to share, so I’ll spare you. But through it all, the torture chair loomed. And my poor sister was strapped to it at one point. If I could have seen her eyes, I’m sure I would have seen sheer terror.

 

Somehow we survived. And were invited back. What’s that? Part of the mind gaming? Pretend to be inviting? Fool us to think we WANT to be tortured?

 

Oddly enough, my sister wants to go back. Which leads me to just one conclusion: they got to her.

 

My poor sister.

 

My poor, innocent sister.

 

Let it be known: from here on out, whatever I do will be done to rescue my sister from further psychological effects. I hereby take no responsibility for what counter-psychology may be employed. If asked, I will deny my continuing presence at a little studio, every Saturday, at 9am. I will do what I must, but I will not have fun.

 

And if I do…

 

I blame my sister.

Posted in Just Plain Fun | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Apr: The Count of Monte Cristo

February 6, 2011 by thelitterbox

Don’t Call Me Mrs. Count

I want to marry a French man, preferably a good one with a thick accent. Someone with a romantic name who has strong convictions, solid morals… and a goatee. Someone who repays his debts and seeks to help those who have helped him. Someone who doesn’t seek revenge, but toils with the idea of it. A good guy who could be bad but has chosen otherwise.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Unfortunately, that man is not Edmond Dantès. I just spent the last thirty days immersed in the mystery and intrigue of The Count of Monte Cristo and the idea of a noble French man got to me, but not because I was reading about one. I wasn’t. After a few months of romances, spoiled lovers, and proper society, I was ready for a little adventure. Oddly enough, all of the above made their appearance, but so did anger, revenge, and a lifetime of bitterness. It was ugly. And oh so fun.

Say what now?

It’s true. It was fun. I don’t normally enjoy watching characters self-destruct, but there was something about digging into this man’s psyche, his inner mind, his emotions that was… to be frank… fascinating.

If you know the story by Alexandre Dumas, then you know Dantès WAS innocent at one point. (Weren’t we all?) He had those strong convictions and solid morals. He was good. But that was stolen from him when he was falsely accused and imprisoned without trial. The ugliness infected him there, eating away at the man he was until he didn’t know who he was at all. Not that he would show or admit that. The person (or rather persons) he became after his inventive escape portrayed the exact opposite. His payback was contingent on the confident, compassionate, rich, and strong personalities of Abbé Busoni, Lord Wilmore, and finally Monte Cristo. The paradoxes are nothing if not delicious.

Perhaps the most obvious paradox is that of poverty vs. riches. These pages are rife with various themes, but it’s easy to see the age-old idea that money can buy happiness. Dantès becomes Monte Cristo after finding the hidden treasure a fellow prisoner described and after he uses that treasure to buy the influence of a Count. It’s that money, in fact, that wins him the social prestige he needs to exact his revenge.

Revenge comes slowly at first as Monte Cristo first destroys Mondego/Morcef’s reputation (he eventually commits suicide), then unearths murderous acts that Villefort is guilty of (he eventually goes insane), and finally strips Danglers of his stature by robbing him little by little (he eventually is left bankrupt of money—and pride).

Dantès-turned-Count has brought about one man’s suicide, another man’s insanity, and a third man’s bankruptcy. He has orchestrated his own version of justice (after justice let him down). But is he happy?

What do you think? Has everything he’s plotted, all that he has purchased, actually made him happy? My answer would be a clear “no.” How could he be? He might have gotten his revenge, but how could he live with it? I would argue that no human being is immune to guilt and I can’t imagine the Count wouldn’t have it after all the destruction he composed.

But others disagree with me. Google the title of the book and you’ll find many different opinions. True, the book ends with the Count finding love with Haydée, a person who you could argue was shown the same injustice that Dantès was at the very beginning. And that may represent a return to his good self. But at what cost? A whole lotta hatred. I believe love is powerful, but I don’t believe human love can absolve such atrocities. And while reading about it all was entertaining, it’s not something I want to experience.

And that’s why I want a GOOD French man. One who could be bad but chooses not to be. One who loves more than he hates.

And, oh yeah, one with a goatee.

Posted in Classic Books, Reader | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Why I Read Backward

February 6, 2011 by thelitterbox

People frown when I tell them I read backward. “You jump to the end to find out what happens?” they asked shocked. “Isn’t that against the rules of your industry?!”

 

I smile and chuckle before answering. No I don’t. And yes it is (at least in my opinion). Reading backward isn’t about skipping content or finding a quicker way to the conclusion, I explain. It’s the exact opposite, actually. It’s about reading every piece of content and understanding how each piece plays a role in the whole of the book.

 

And that’s when I get blank stares. And sometimes crazy looks. And more frowns. In general, I usually see a complete state of confusion.

 

Perhaps I should explain…

 

It’s true that a book or magazine’s most exciting content is often found at/near the end (book reviews in Publishers Weekly, for example, are behind all the industry news and commercials). But I never make such a detour. I like to journey through books and experience all the character nuances and plot twists because that experience makes the ending more satisfying. I like to read the information at the beginning of a periodical because what is reported there may influence the opinions I read in the editorials later. Reading backward is NOT jumping to the end.

 

So what is it?

 

Reading backward is a proofreading technique—maybe one that you already know. One of my first employers in the publishing industry taught me this technique and I’ve used it with every composition, every project since. She showed me how to proof sentence-by-sentence, starting with the last sentence of the document. She believed that starting at the beginning of the text made it too easy to get caught up in the flow of the language or the movement of the paragraph. But when you read one sentence at a time, starting with the last sentence in the paragraph, you have to understand that sentence apart from the sentences that surround it. Reading backward helps you study sentences more carefully so you can find—and fix—grammar and punctuation errors more efficiently.

 

It’s a helpful technique (one of many I’m sure) but I like it because it applies to more than just writing. From my job inside a publishing house, I don’t write as much as all of you—perhaps the occasional article and (what should be more than occasional) blog post. But I also read backward when I’m designing an ad, brainstorming a book title, drafting a marketing plan, or even composing an email. It’s all about perspective… learning to see things in different light, learning to anticipate how different people will experience your work in different ways.

 

Every eye looks at the same thing differently. I’m looking at an Amish fiction novel on my desk right now. The first thing I see is the turned head of the main character, which makes me think she’s looking for something… or someone. But you might see the dark storm clouds in the background or the pensive look of her eyes, either of which could suggest danger or brewing trouble. Your perspective—your interpretation—will give you a different experience. The same is true of the people who read your books… or see the ads that promote your books… or watch your video trailers… or….

 

So here are a few questions to consider: do you think about different perspectives when you write? When you promote your writing? How do find the balance that lets you communicate your message but also allows your readers to experience your work in different ways?

 

It is a true joy to hear from others how something you created has affected their lives in ways you never imagined. Writing different perspectives can only increase the appeal of your book and nurture those different experiences. Reading backward is my trick. What’s yours?

Posted in Marketer | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

Expectations: The Good and Bad of ‘Em

February 6, 2011 by thelitterbox

I love the New Year season and relish the opportunity to start fresh. The motivation to try new things, test new markets, and friend new authors is inspiring. My problem, however, is keeping that motivation going throughout the year. We’ve all made and broken resolutions—probably far too quickly. Why is that?

 

Could it be that waning motivation is the result of unrealistic expectations? At the beginning of the year, I make goals, plans of action, and timelines that are all—in some way—based on what I expect my year, my job, my church, my family, my responsibilities to require of me. If that expectation is set at a level I probably can’t reach, the most likely outcome is disappointment or exhaustion. Those emotions are all too common, aren’t they? And they make talking about expectations rather difficult… so difficult that many people have ruled out expectations all together, believing that nothing good can come from them.

 

Setting unrealistic expectations is a bad habit. But here’s the thing: expectations are still good. And good expectations can make your efforts to promote your book much more effective. Here are a few reasons why:

 

1. Managing expectations will help you avoid potential conflict.

I sit behind the marketing desk at a small publishing house. But I’ve also done my time at a larger house. Several of you have also worked with more than one publisher, so you know the differences—in marketing and sales strategies—that can exist between houses. Understanding what your current publisher expects is a large part of managing your own expectations. Because if your expectations don’t align with theirs, there could be conflict.

 

For example, imagine you have published a novel with one house and are now working on a devotional with another. The fiction house could have set a first year forecast of 10-20,000. If you assume those same sales would apply to the devotional, imagine what would happen if your publisher is forecasting 8-10,000. You would be disappointed that your book didn’t sell “better” (even if it sold right on target). And the conversation where you and your publisher hatch this out would probably be tense.

 

It works in the reverse as well. If you only expect 5,000 sales but your publisher is hoping for 10,000, they may need more promotion involvement from you than you are expecting. If you aren’t prepared to be that involved, there could be conflict between you and your publisher and between you and anyone else who needs some of your time. Managing expectations will help you avoid conflict.

 

2. Setting appropriate expectations will keep you on track.

Let’s go back to the example of your publisher requesting more involvement from you. If you don’t set appropriate expectations with your time, your calendar can get so full and your pace so hectic that you could fall behind on some tasks while trying to keep up on others. If you have to decline an interview or appearance, someone—your publicist or the media outlet—will be disappointed. Even if you work so fast and hard that you never have to say no, you will be exhausted by the end of the year. Setting appropriate expectations will keep you on track with all your responsibilities.

 

3. Understanding expectations will result in satisfaction, not disappointment.

While I love this time of year because I can start fresh, there’s another season I love more: the week a long-term project finally comes to fruition, the day I get to look back and evaluate my work, the minute I  cross an important task off my to do list. I would much rather do that and think “Job well done” than think “I could/should have done more.”

 

If you understand your expectations, set them realistically, and manage them appropriately, you will be satisfied at the end of the year, not disappointed. And what an awesome feeling that is!

 

So let’s do it, shall we?

 

Look at your list of planned promotions.

Come up with some realistic expectations.

Set some “checkpoints” to keep you on track.

And then celebrate a job well done.

 

Happy New Year, Friends!

Posted in Marketer | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Give a Little

December 16, 2010 by thelitterbox

Merry Christmas from the Litter Box! I hope and pray that your holidays are filled with family, friends, and numerous blessings.

 

I love the Christmas season. I’m a bit of a sap when it comes to decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music (both of which I find excuses for doing as early in November as possible :-) . But I also know how easy it is to get lost in the hustle and bustle, to be weighed down by the rambling to-do list, and to lose sight of what we are really celebrating this season.

 

Before I left the office last night, I wrote out my to-do list for the last week before the holiday. And lemme tell you… that was a great way to get lost, feel weighed down, and lose focus. Just a few minutes into the exercise, my frustration and patience were severely challenged. So as I looked back over the list, I decided I was going to make time for more important matters. I crossed off several tasks that could wait until the new year and replaced them with ideas of how I can encourage my authors this Christmas.

 

And that gave me an idea for this blog post, my last of the year. What can authors do to encourage their readers at Christmas? If you think about it, we ask a lot of our readers. Aside from the obvious (buy our books), we ask them to write reviews with online retailers; we ask them to recommend our work to their friends and family; we ask them to comment on our blogs, Tweets, and Facebook pages; we ask them to be influencers (er… endorfluencers); we ask them to be advocates, promotion partners, and friends.

 

Don’t get me wrong: readers—for the most part—love to do these things. They love to get involved. They want (crave) interaction and relationship. But when was the last time you offered to do something for them? For your community? How are you going to use your platform as a Christian author to share Christ this Christmas?

 

It can be as simple as collecting and praying through reader prayer requests. Maybe you can arrange a post-Christmas book signing or a reading with a local library or bookstore and offer a percentage of the proceeds to a local ministry. One of my authors is collecting money for a charity she supports. A month or so ago, I helped another author create the “Authors4Education” team through www.MochaClub.org (it’s similar to a child sponsorship program, but instead of supporting a specific child, your monthly donation goes toward the purchase of educational supplies for schools in Africa). The options are endless, especially if you tap the creativity I know all CANners posses :-) .

 

Marketing through relationships is still one of the most effective avenues of promotion in the book industry. It’s not a new or fresh idea, but it is one that we shouldn’t forget… especially at Christmas. But like all relationships, it’s a two-way street. You both need to participate in order for the relationship to grow. Your readers have given so much this year. How are you going to give back? Comment here to share some ideas—we’d all love to hear them!

 

Merry Christmas!

Posted in Marketer | Leave a Comment »

Blog Story: Episode Three

December 16, 2010 by thelitterbox

“What’s… your… name?” The voice asked in drawn out slurs.

 

“What?! Why would I tell you that? Who IS this?” she shouted.

 

“What’s… your… name?” the voice said again.

 

“Why do you want to know my name?” she questioned.

 

“What’s… your… name?”

 

“My name? My name is…” she paused, unsure if she wanted to reveal this information. “My name is Danica.”

 

“Danica is a pretty name” said the voice.

 

She lost her patience. “I’m not playing this game any longer. I’m hanging up now.”

 

“Suit yourself. We’ll talk again.”

 

There was a click, followed by silence and soon the dial tone.

 

“What was THAT all about?” Danica asked out loud, knowing the walls would not respond.

 

Looking at herself in the mirror, she quickly assessed her next move. The phone call had pulled her attention away from the proposal she was supposed to be reviewing. And even if she didn’t want to admit it, the incident with the fuse box and the phone conversation gave her the creeps. She didn’t want to be by herself right now. And while she loved this old house, it offered little protection.

 

It was nearly 5am. She could be dressed and in the office in an hour. The early warehouse staff would be arriving around the same time and even though she rarely talked to them—and hardly knew their names—there was something comforting about knowing they were there. In earshot.

 

Safety in numbers…

 

Thirty minutes later, she was rifling through her jewelry looking for the right accessory to her outfit. Grabbing the half-finished proposal from her desk, Danica threw it and some miscellaneous folders and documents into her laptop bag. She grabbed her black stilettos—nothing fancy, certainly nothing expensive, but classic nonetheless—and bounded down the stairs.

 

In the kitchen, she headed to the pot of coffee she had prepared after her trip to the basement. Pouring the last of it into her travel mug, she secured the lid, threw on her winter coat, and headed to the back door that led to the garage.

 

“Drat. Cell phone!” Danica muttered just before reaching the back door. She turned, shuffled back to the foyer and retrieved her cell from its charger on the front table. Turning to go, her eyes crossed the front door.

 

Unlocked.

 

Both the door and the brass dead bolt were unlocked.

 

She never used the front door. Ever. She came and went through the garage every day. The front door was always locked. Except now.

 

Trying to control the twinge in her gut, she flipped the dead bolt and secured the door. Testing it, she made sure it was tight. It didn’t budge.

 

She adjusted her laptop bag that was slipping from her shoulder and walked down the hall to the back entrance, turning once to let her eyes survey the hallway and front entrance one more time.

 

Get going, Danica said to herself. The sooner you’re at the office, the sooner you can get to work. And put this entire morning behind you.

 

She pulled open the back door and flipped the light switch in the garage to illuminate the path to her rusted, green Jeep Wrangler. Locking the door behind her, she headed to the vehicle, cautiously glancing around it into the shadows, searching for something—or someone—that might be lurking in the corners of the chilly garage. Yanking the car door open, she deposited her bags into the front passenger seat.

 

Stepping up to take her place behind the steering wheel, the heel of her stiletto suddenly caught the runner board and she ungraciously collapsed into the car. Her keys and coffee mug clattered to the garage floor, the first skidding under the vehicle, the second spilling its contents on the cold concrete.

 

“Klutz,” she muttered. “Good thing no one was here to see that.” She ducked out of the vehicle to retrieve the dropped items. She resurrected the cup, then let her hand wander under the car. Her fingers felt their way across the ground, searching out the location of the lost keys.

 

Nothing.

 

Danica sighed with equal parts impatience and frustration. “Where did they go?”

 

Squatting to all fours with palms flat on the floor, she peered under the vehicle and let her eyes focus on… what? What as THAT?

 

She jumped back. No keys in sight. But there was something else.

 

A knife.

 

It had a wood handle and serrated edge good for carving. Glancing around, Danica finally saw what the knife had been used for. Her front tire had been slashed. On her feet, she quickly circled the car. All four tires had been slashed. Not just punctured. They all featured gaping rips that only a serrated knife could pull.

 

She wasn’t driving to work this morning. Not in this vehicle.

 

Someone wanted her to stay home.  

 

And that sobering thought gave her a chill that resonated to her very core.

 

 

 

Note to readers: it’s YOUR turn. Take the poll and tell me what happens next. I have to write what you decide. So be nice… please.

Posted in Blog Story, Writer | Leave a Comment »

Blog Story: Poll #3

December 16, 2010 by thelitterbox

Your votes resulted in a mysterious, early morning phone call and a name for the main character. But what happens next?

 

Don’t like these options? Comment here and suggest your own. And be sure to check back soon to see if your votes determined the next plot twist!

Posted in Blog Story, Writer | Leave a Comment »

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